-Are you the weirdo who can’t stand when things aren’t perfect?

-Do you accept Wingdings as objectively the best font?

-Do you thrive in a high-stress environment filled with political infighting, bureaucracy and corporate bullshit?

If so, we’re the place for you, except you may hate how great of a company we have – full of happy, generally competent people who don’t put up with shakedowns. Honestly, I’m sick of how nice everyone is.

We work remotely full time, we have very flexible hours, people are judged by their production, not by how satisfied they are with their boss, and employee turnover is very low because the company believes that happy employees = happy customers = happy bank account. Simply disgusting, if you ask me.

–Is this a real job posting?–

Yes! Surprisingly, we paid money to post this on a bunch of different recruitment sites. And it’s not even a pyramid scheme! Plus, get this: The owner just started paying our 70 employees instead of Pizza Hut coupons — we had a great time, people.

Our careers page is actually worth checking out to learn more about how crazy we are (side note: it won a web design award in 1993 – we’re a pretty big deal):

http://www.jlstradingco.com/careers/

And check out our reviews on Google, Glass dooror actually Let’s see that it’s not just the founder’s mother who says we’re great.

–What are you guys doing?–

We do a lot of different things these days including selling great consumer products (these are just a small sampling):

– Bad parking cards (https://amz.run/5Eya)

– Drink barriers (https://amz.run/6kip)

– The child’s chakra (https://amz.run/9EUz)

Run this Amazon Pay-Per-Click Agency: PPCFarm.com (We’re really good at PPC)

We will soon be launching an inventory management SaaS product.

We do our best to grow quickly every year, and we intend to keep doing so as long as possible, which means we need good people to help us keep up with the growth.

–What does your company look like?–

1. You can be yourself. You don’t have to put on a fake, professional face. You can only be yourself. You can smack talk to the CEO (strongly encouraged), and no one will think about it. You don’t have to dress nicely, use formal language, or pretend to be someone you’re not – you can just be you.

2. Key opportunities for career growth. We’re not trying to be just a small company. We plan to do $100 million annually in the next few years. We promote quickly once we identify talent. It doesn’t matter what your credentials are – it matters what you accomplish.

3. Full-time remote/flexible hours. You will work from home in your pajamas on your schedule. And we don’t care if you work 10 hours a day 4 days a week or 6 hours a day and manage to catch up on the weekend. As long as you get a lot of work done, we’re happy campers.

4. Complete work-life balance. If you routinely work more than 45 hours, you will have a friendly conversation. We want you to function at 100%, which means you need to rest.

5. Fight BS vigorously. Anyone in the company can (and is expected to) tell the CEO when he or she is wrong. There are no bureaucratic rules or BS to get in the way of getting the work done.

6. No micromanagement. Once you’ve been trained and shown that you know your stuff, we won’t interfere too much. In fact, if you need outside management to keep you going and motivated, we’re probably not the place for you.

7. No toxic/incompetent people allowed. We try hard to weed out stupid people before they get in, but if they sneak in, we kick them out quickly. You’ll never have to interact with someone who’s an obvious jerk or outright malicious. There are no toxic or incompetent people at work – can it really be so? (Yes)

8. Supportive environment. We do not work under intense pressure or unreasonable top-down deadlines. Everyone wants you to be successful – internal politics are minimal here.

9. Lots of raises. We do our best to get ahead of things and give raises proactively, so you don’t have to ask. It is not at all unusual for someone to get two raises a year.

10. We will invest in your training. We want you and everyone to constantly improve. You’ll be learning new things all the time, and we highly encourage you to invest time every day to learn new things, improve your system/process, and generally try to make your life easier.

11. Leave for more than 4-6 weeks. We 100% want you to recharge your batteries, so getting plenty of time off is totally worth it.

12. Paid maternity/paternity leave. We’ve even started letting people skip meetings during labor!

13. Self-fund so we can do what’s right for us. We don’t have to answer to anyone but ourselves, so we can make the right decision for the long-term health of the company versus trying to expand too quickly or cut corners to please some selfish investor.

–What are your company values?–

See here: http://www.jlstradingco.com/careers/

Yes, these are legitimately our values. The careers page is definitely worth checking out – it’s not just your average corporate bachelor’s degree. We promise you will learn a lot about us.

–Okay, I’ve read about 8 great pages about you guys. Will you tell me what the actual job is?–

no.

–Wait…what?–

Okay okay. Very short version:

Learn how to become a great designer from A to Z. We will teach you everything you need to know, not caring at all about your past background.

Below is a bulleted list of responsibilities:

– Go through our apprenticeship program

– Discover how we think about design from first principles

– Learn the tools of the trade

– Practice, get feedback, repeat, repeat endlessly until you become a great designer (it takes a lot of repetition to get good at these things)

–Do I need experience?–

We expect you to have a minimum of 70 years of experience (preferably 120+).

Oh, haven’t you lived two lifetimes eating and breathing 24/7/365? Who do you think you are reading this job description on staff? You are an absolute clown.

Oh, and weren’t you directly involved in at least two (preferably three) world wars? You’re not even qualified to operate our coffee machine, you sentient potato.

Oh, didn’t you notice the big bang as it happened? Get out of here, you pirated copy of Windows 95.

I might vomit at your arrogance. The arrogance of thinking that you, you absolute idiot, could apply for an entry-level position… is disgusting. I’m literally shaking right now.

Also, no, you don’t need any experience.

We want unique people, and we don’t give a AF what their background is. Most of our best people have never done anything related to their current roles, so if you’ve never done anything like this before, don’t worry. We employ 100 times more potential than current knowledge.

However, the big bang condition still applies.

–Do I need a university degree?–

All you have to do is be great.

–Are there any geographic restrictions?–

As long as you’re in a country not under active US government sanctions, we’re interested. Our founder isn’t known for having much respect for the government, but they have all the guns, so…

–What is this training program you are talking about?–

More information here: Industrial apprenticeship programme. This program is specifically for designers, but the general training program is quite suitable and is essentially the same (although the content is different).

–I’ve never designed before–

great! If you’re smart, motivated, and self-taught, we can probably teach you everything you need to know. We don’t care if you’ve never designed before – we care about your potential.

–I’ve been a designer for a long time–

great! Although we should warn you that we will likely want to build your knowledge from first principles. We’ll teach you things that aren’t necessarily taught in design school (much to our chagrin), and have certain ways of doing things that aren’t necessarily industry standard. We think it’s good, but it takes some getting used to.

–What kind of things will I design?–

Graphic design, sure, but probably also: marketing materials, packaging, products (industrial design), web stuff, and anything else that needs design.

We believe that design is a key skill with principles that transcend media, so we’ll teach you this rule, and you’ll likely choose a major as you learn more about what you do and don’t like.

–What are some specific things you need to design for?–

Amazing menu pictures, social media ads, standard operating procedures, random product listings, some way to get the CEO to stop being a crazy person, product packaging, silly postcards of people, products, etc.

–This sounds pretty good, although I’m still skeptical that this isn’t a pyramid scheme.–

You sound just like the tax authorities!

–This doesn’t solve any of my concerns, but what do I need to do to apply?–

Please provide your information on the next page to apply. We promise to respond within 5 to 10 business days even if our answer is no.

There will be multiple steps in this process, FYI, including a long written application, interviews with a few different people, and paid employment test(s). Hiring the right people is very difficult and very expensive if we do it poorly, so we have to start the process early. I’m sorry about that and thank you for staying with us.

Once we have it in place, I expect to give you a final answer within a few weeks, depending on how things go. We definitely don’t want to limit you, and as long as you do what we ask, we promise to tell you “yes” or “no,” not just your ghost (like anyone I match with on Tinder).

Thank you for your time and interest, I hope we can work together soon!